Suburboddity: Whatever happened to ‘Stop or I’ll call the police’?

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(Illustration by Eric Allie/Pioneer Press)

Updated: July 15, 2011 2:08PM

Free of charge, we offer tales of stupid criminals, strange crimes, odd news and otherwise silly stories from around Chicagoland.

Happy Father’s Day

MUNDELEIN, JUNE 6 — A Ravinia Circle resident called the cops to report his car stolen. After they arrived, so did the car — driven home by the man’s son, with a lot of new front-end damage. The son, 20, said he had hit a sign, but he couldn’t say just where. The cops said he had taken a few too many hits of another kind, and charged him with driving under the influence of drugs and drug possession.

The fountain of youth

LA GRANGE, JUNE 7 — Kids were reported swimming in the fountain next to the Village Hall, 53 S. La Grange Road, and sent away at 12:56 p.m., 1:54 p.m., 3:44 p.m. and 11:41 p.m.

In Florida, he could run for Congress.

PARK RIDGE, JUNE 11 — A Park Ridge man, 35, freaked out customers at the Marathon gas station as he walked back and forth with a pistol on his hip. When a bystander asked if he had some kind of permit to parade around strapped, he said something to the effect of, “Nobody’s going to arrest me today.”

Somebody called the cops anyway, who showed an admirable degree of restraint by not shooting him, even when, handcuffed, he tried to drive off in one of their cars.

As it turned out, he had no bullets.

Whatever happened to saying, Stop or I’ll call the police?

LINCOLNWOOD, JUNE 5 — A witness watched four boys, age 12 or 13, cut the locks on four bikes in a rack at the Lincolnwood Town Center, then ride away on them.

Beat and run

NILES, JUNE 7 — A Glenview woman, 25,

said a man in his 40s was masturbating in a store on the 8300 block of Golf Road. He ran out of the store and north through the parking lot, and was last seen behind the strip mall.

Where else should underwear go?

NORRIDGE, JUNE 5 — A sneak thief was accused of ripping off the Carson’s store at 4200 N. Harlem Ave., stuffing several pairs of underwear in his pants.

Just an old-fashioned girl

HARWOOD HEIGHTS, JUNE 5 — A Norridge woman, 50, visiting another woman’s house, tried to hit her with what police quaintly described as “a billy club.”

The pane of love

NILES, JUNE 9 — A woman staying at the Days Inn, 6450 Touhy Ave., punched out one of the windows and ran away. The man she had been with said he had an “off-an-on” dating relationship with her.

Getting run over was the high point of his day

PARK RIDGE, JUNE 8 — A guy riding a motorized bicycle was hit by a car near Crescent and Knight avenues. The cops found out he had no license to drive it, which gave them the right to get him violated on a previous court agreement that might send him to jail if he broke any laws. So they did. Bond was sent at $10,000.

Cell phones: a way to help kids keep out of trouble

WILMETTE, JUNE 13 — A Wilmette boy, 12, left his $300 cell phone on a Maple Park bench to play. When he came back to get the phone, it was gone. He was suspicious of two older boys he saw hanging around, but they denied taking his phone. Later, the boy and his friends saw the same older teens ride past them in a car, and one cursed them out the window. “We have your phone,” he said as he rode out of sight.

Better living through technology

WILMETTE, JUNE 5 — A Wilmette woman heard a stranger’s recorded voice tell her on the phone, “I’m going to kill you and your family.” Police tracked the telephone number to a web service that allows text and voice messages to place calls, so it couldn’t be traced further.

Hard times

MUNDELEIN, JUNE 11 — A Mundelein woman, 50, was arrested for buying merchandise after switching the price tags, and for stealing a watch — from the Goodwill store at 76 S. Midlothian Road.

Sometimes lawyers are a bargain

PARK RIDGE, MAY 25 — A landlord, 68, apparently peeved about back rent, climbed through a rear window to threaten to sue his tenant if she didn’t pay up. Two weeks later, he was out more money — $1,000 to bail himself out of jail on disorderly conduct and trespassing charges.

Money so heavy it takes two guys to get it

WILMETTE, JUNE 7 — A cabdriver, having taken two men on a $30 ride from Chicago to the 100 block of Linden Avenue, agreed to let them both go into a house to get the money. One ran around the back, and the other pretended to knock on the front door. Neither was ever seen again.

The sweet smell of the slammer

PARK RIDGE, JUNE 6 — Suspicious about a young man wandering, at 2:30 a.m., around the same area where some cars had been burglarized, a cop took a good sniff, and the guy smelled smoky. So he searched the guy’s belongings, and found a shoe with 6 grams of marijuana tucked inside. The shoe also contained a bag of coins.

Marking his territory

WILMETTE, JUNE 6 — A Chicago man was charged with disorderly conduct and possession of alcohol on park property after he urinated in the middle of a path in Gillson Park.

That’s the flimsiest wall I ever saw

LA GRANGE, JUNE 10 — An intoxicated La Grange man fell through the screen door onto his balcony on the 900 block of South Eighth Avenue, a neighbor reported to police.

A bicycle built for boobs

GLENCOE, JUNE 9 — Two youths were seen, in the afternoon rush hour, riding a mountain bike away from Almost in Florida Luxury Tanning, 101 Green Bay Road, where it had been left by its owner. Police watched as a 17-year-old boy pedaled toward the Metra station, with a 17-year-old girl riding the handlebars. They left the bike at the station, and were then ticketed by police. Their case goes to the New Trier Peer Jury for adjudication.

Help, help, I’m out of touch

LA GRANGE, JUNE 9 — A resident of the 500 block of South Ashland Avenue called 911 twice asking how to check her voice mail.

Gnome more

LA GRANGE, JUNE 11 — More than a dozen painted gnome statues valued at $200 were reported stolen from a yard on the 600 block of South Ashland Avenue.

It’s $1,000, in case you want to start an investigation

LAKE FOREST, JUNE 4 — A resident of the 900 block of Hawthorne Avenue reported the theft of about 50 pounds of quarters. Police found no forced entry into the house, and had no estimate of the value of the quarters.

Can’t complain

LA GRANGE, JUNE 9 — Graffiti depicting Adolph Hitler being shot in the head was reported found in the gangway of 23 S. La Grange Road. The word “Jammin’” was written under the picture.

Click It or Collared

LINCOLNWOOD, APRIL 18 — A Chicago driver was curbed in the 6600 block of Crawford Avenue by a cop who noticed he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. After he stopped, the cop noticed more than half a pound of marijuana, a scale, and $607 cash.

Your tax dollars at play

GLENVIEW, JUNE 14 — Calling a conflict between the Northfield Township Board of Trustees and its highway commissioner, Pete Amarantos, “nothing short of insane,” state Sen. Jeff Schoenberg, D-9th, said a bill approved by the General Assembly will provide a way to dissolve township road districts and eliminate the post of highway commissioner.

Amarantos sued the board last year after trustees cut his budget, eliminating $500,000 for a new road-services building and reducing the salary of an emergency management director Amarantos hired over the objections of several trustees.

He was also criticized for hiring relatives to work in his department, which is responsible for maintaining 20 miles of roadway.

I do not like you, Mr. Freak

The reason why I cannot speak.

But this I’ll tell, and tell full well

Stay clear or travel straight to hell

BUFFALO GROVE, JUNE 2 — Park District employees called police to tell them a driver had parked several times in recent weeks in the Willow Stream Park lot, staring at children playing. Police found him sitting with his fly open, though nothing was exposed. They also found pornography in his car — though none immediately appeared to hold illegal content — and stuffed animals and other children’s toys in the back seat. He said he was not staring at the children, just enjoying nature. Officers advised him to enjoy nature somewhere else.